To Date - or not to Date - Is it OK or STUPID?
OK, I admit it. I have been in the dating zoo for a while - with a certain lack of enthusiasm and a fair share of ambivalence. You know how it is; LOVE being single, but wouldn't mind dating here and there. And like many others I was too cheap to pay for some fancy websites that promise that you will finally find the supposedly missing half of yourself (I personally haven't lost any piece of me yet, just my patience) in the form of some 64 year old rotund "readiforlove" guy with a jaunty hat and a Cocker Spaniel from Tarzana, CA. Generally speaking, a fantastic name for a city where the ever so brief introduction "Me, Tarzan, you Jane" could lead to all kinds of steamy encounters. Yet, I declined, couldn't find my leopard bikini. And I also wasn't adventurous enough to go all the way and check out tinder and therefore having to fight off all those offers for a quickie in a Porsche with a hot-blooded much too young "cupidangelo" who likes to explore "all there is". So I signed on for free to the dating site OK STUPID. Did I say STUPID? Yes, I guess I did, because it is. It isn't only that even the notoriously game CUPID himself has not been seen in action on that dreary site by anyone I've ever talked to - and frankly, I can't blame him. It's the OK-men who are mostly depressing and live in a world I don't understand for the life of me. Or is life itself maybe sending me a clue? As in "don't bother, just live and be happy?"
I can't complain about mild to very enthusiastic compliments and attention, I get a fair amount of mails from men between 32 and 78. I do have a pretty very gray-haired picture posted (and don't lie about my age).
Yesterday, there was one Barry (70) from Bakersfield, actually a part of LA I've been warned about - no, not gangs - boredom. He writes: "Hello smiling face!" That's it. It's not an insult, of course, probably passes for "nice" - but it reminded me of that lame old James Taylor Song "Whenever I see your Smiling Face", shoo-bee-doo. Wrong Mood. James is probably about my age; maybe he is secretly on OK?
What is going on? What do these men want from me? One was "looking for a levelheaded lady" - that's definitely me. A 22-year-old simply said: "Let's hang out sometime! I can handle anything!" Not me, he can't, I guarantee that but I admire his spirit! Yet, I declined. Another pleaded: "Tired of living alone... Please, come save me!" Nope. Save yourself, bud. They are a greedy bunch, they want it all: Trust, faithfulness, commitment, Christianity, kindness, generosity. I have to be tolerant, clean, sexy, modest, playful, humorous, honest, and somewhat intelligent; love his dog, kids, Grandma, nature, the ocean and Italian food. They have a lot to offer, too, mostly a strictly manly understanding for the female soul that is alien to them. Women consist mostly of inexplicable desires for walks on the beach, bubble baths, scented candles, fluffy kittens with a pink bow and billowing white curtains in a bedroom. And they share. A lot. Pouring out your very boring soul is not only for women anymore - and that can be already much too much!
In their "Summary" they say things like this:
In their "Summary" they say things like this:
The first things people usually notice about me:
My sensitive hands and my naturally rosy cheeks
The six things I could never do without
Oxygen, water, coffee, sex, burning man, pizza
I spend a lot of time thinking about
You and how I can get you to loan me some money
On a typical Friday night I am
Watching porn while eating popcorn
I made only the last two things up.
I think I speak for most women when I advise men NOT to start a conversation with just "hi" or "hi, pretty lady, how was ur day", or "care about a chat?" or "can I know you, please?" No, you definitely can't with that grammar! Also, please, no photos of your car, ex-wives, Mom, best buddy, dogs in sweaters, vacationing anywhere, especially not snorkeling pictures, theme parks, having a glass of wine in your hand, costume party pix, Selfie in bathroom mirror with shower curtain, patting a horse, hugging a kid or playing an instrument, OK?
So, now you want to know: did I date eventually? Yes, I did.
THIS IS "OUR" PHONE WHERE I WAITED FOR HIS CALL
Nothing too exciting happened.
THIS IS WHERE WE MET
He came dressed as Henry VIII ....NO, I'm joking, I'm getting carried away, I'm a writer.
I always met them in a Café around the corner (making fleeing a piece of cake). As usual, the men had lied about their height and their hair, meaning they were shorter and had less hair (I heard that women usually lie about their weight and their age). The conversations were polite but tepid, all men wore glasses and their shirts over their jeans or khakis (one dared to appear in cargo pants, surely not knowing that I'm working on a campaign to ban them from the face of the earth!), and all were irritated that I don't have a car. So, I was the odd mystery woman, I like that. They paid me compliments and all (you look much more beautiful in person), not a spark was initiated and I walked home, thinking each time: "I'm actually not looking for someone."
So these are my tips for incorrigible people who can't stay away from dating sites for older folks.
Sign on, search and play the game only if you:
1. Have lots of time to waste and the patience of a Saint
2. Know a translator or language specialist to decipher the crazy, inane grammar of the candidates
3. Have a jolly disposition and a forgiving heart
4. Don't mind pictures of tanned old guys in tank tops and "cool" big cargo pants sitting on shrill-colored motorbikes
5. Don't mind pictures of jovial pensioners in jogging suits and sandals visiting Disneyland and hugging Goofy
6. Don't mind blurry phone-selfies of bored young dudes in t-shirts and wool caps watching TV in bed and eating snacks
7. Are easily taken by a "self summary" of likes that includes "a good glass of wine", "like to cuddle" "looking for a deep rooted relationship", the words "nurture", "share" and "passion for life" - and are longer than "Gone with the Wind" but lack Rhett and Scarlett’s chemistry.
8. Really, really like to hike with a stranger in the Santa Monica Mountains
9. Love to receive links to animal-related vids 3 times a day that are signed with lol
10. Believe in miracles
I've noticed that in the end it's not about getting to know somebody, it's about throwing your individual dreams at somebody and see whether they stick.
So, to make a way too long dating story short and reveal in OK STUPID style "The most private thing I’m willing to admit": Sorry to say, with Bobby Dylan, himself a 70-plus guy - "It Ain't me, Babe!" Now, Bob is another story. Is he dating? He seems like a cranky guy but he is rich and I like his pencil-moustache, Cowboy jackets and his hat. His songs, too.
As I have mentioned, I now have my own column of the same name in the Huffington Post. For people who like to read my blogs here, stay around, for the others, check the website:
and don't forget "F#ck Beauty Duty and Stop the Madness